Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Oooops, I gotta life for a while

Sorry for the long delay in posting, but my mommy always said if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. So consider yourself spared the venom I have been unleashing on those "lucky" enough to know me in "RL".

My dear friend LeeAnn decided to nudge me into posting again the other day, and probably felt the need to count and make sure her fingers were still all there after receiving my reply e-mail. I've been busy. Not the kind of happy busy that makes your life full and worth living, but the kind of busy that occupies your mind even while you sleep.

Work has been work and there have seriously been days when my boss has asked me if I have completed a task she assigned me only for me to discover, that yes I had, but unfortunately I was sleeping at the time and I only dreamt I had done it.

Spring has finally sprung here in Indiana and its beautiful, but along with this glorious season comes the distressing return of destructive, blood sucking insects. In this case I'm not referring to the critters in my yard, but my ex-husband. Each year about this time we begin the blood bath of bartering for what time my son will spend with him.

The court order states we are to alternate weekends and major holidays and my son is supposed to spend one one-week period and one two-week period with him during the summer. It all sounds so simple and it should be, but there are two problems: one is that seven long years after we were finally divorced, my ex is still pissed that I left him and hell bent on "my destruction"; and two, my son just absolutely cannot stand to be around this man, not even for a second.

As the custodial parent, it is apparently my obligation to hog tie my 6' tall son and force him to comply with the visitation orders. Its a totally dysfunctional arrangement and its gotten progressively worse as my son has grown older, more social outside the home and had larger doses of testosterone pumping through his body.

Let me be clear, I would LOVE for my son to spend time with his father in a productive and happy relationship. I relish the time that he goes to his dad's because it allows my husband and I to have uninterrupted and quality couple time. Since I came into this marriage with two kids in tow, those visitation periods are a time for us to be together and explore and relax like most couples get a chance to do before throwing parenthood into the mix.

Unfortunately, my ex is so controlling, passive aggressive and just downright toxic that each visitation is a traumatic experience for all involved. The kid pretty much spends each visitation in total lock down, being berated for everything from his hair to the fact that he has an active social life that he would like to pursue.

So I've been coming home each night to 155 pounds of pissed-off,moody teenager and getting nasty e-mails from the ex threatening to take me to court if I don't somehow compel this kid to actually enjoy his company. Its really bitter right now because its nearly spring break and my son is supposed to go there for 9 days.

So what's a stressed out, quality sleep deprived, mom, ex-wife, wife and model employee supposed to do? GET A LIFE! And I intend to... at 10:15 a.m. tomorrow... when I board a plane to runaway from home....to my mommy... in Florida. With any luck I'll get to sleep late, play on the beach, eat fantastic food that I don't have to prepare all by myself, drink wine and laugh myself silly with my parents, sister and nieces (who are also down there for a visit). And with an extra bit of luck, I'll even get to see LeeAnn, her DH, my god-dogs and do some serious damage to a bottle a tequila.

Maybe when I come back, I'll even have something nice to say.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Celebrity Death Match!!

(Warning- this is fairly tasteless, but that's how I'm feeling tonight. Read on at your own risk!)

Frank Gifford: Good evening sports fans. We have a hot match for your viewing pleasure tonight here on Celebrity Death Match.

O.J. Simpson: That's right Frank. Tonight we will be watching to underworld titans duke it out in a winner takes-none grudge match. These all-star stiffs are so far gone, they make our careers look lively. (chuckle)

Frank: Right you are O.J.! Let's turn it over now to our ring-side announcer to introduce tonight's contestants.

Ring-side Announcer: In this corner we have The Godfather of Soul himself, James Brown! Brown died more than two months ago and weighs in, counting his gold casket at just over one ton. And in this corner we have the rapidly decomposing corpse of former Playboy Playmate and publicity whore Anna Nicole Smith. Smith's weight is currently under review by attorney's from Trim Spa, so we aren't at liberty to discuss it.

Frank: Now the rules for the match are simple: points are given for several key moves including ridiculous litigation, family feuding, high drama, skank quotient and ultimately, how long it takes to get the corpse into its final resting place.

Ring-side announcer- Let's get ready to RRRRRRRUMMMMMBLE!!!!!!!!!

O.J.-The Godfather of Soul is first in the box, but that only seems fair since he died six weeks earlier than Anna Nicole.

Frank- Oooooo, and now we have a high drama move with trustees for the estate and Brown's assorted legitimate and illegitimate adult children, locking his alleged bigamist wife Tomi Raye Hynie and 5 year-old son out of the mansion. What counter move can we expect from Anna Nicole's side, Juice?

O.J.- Huh? I don't feel like talking anymore. And I don't have to cuz I get paid just the same.

Frank- What?? (Looks at O.J. confused) Oh, Anna Nicole's side has countered with a heavy duty skank move... at least four men are claiming to have fathered her five month old child. Now the wife of the Trim Spa CEO and absurd female wrestler Chyna Doll are fighting out who was really Anna Nicole's BFF on Larry King Live!

O.J.- (practices golf swing)

Frank- Ummmmm, looks like I'm in this alone. Okay- Brown's "widow" Hynie counters with her own high skank move- in her own interview on Larry King Live where she cries and claims the family is cutting her out of the inheritance she rightly deserves. Now she instigates litigation. Its a triple whammy as the family now files against the trustees of the estate.

O.J.- (puts on a glove)

Frank- (Gasps) Is that THE glove?? Never mind, back to the action- Anna Nicole's side counters with five separate legal actions all at once!!! I've never seen anything like it. And Howard K. Stern has just accepted $1 million for a crocodile tear-laced exclusive interview and a ride on a private jet back to the Bahamas. But wait, now Stern's attorney and alleged father Larry Birkhead's attorney have started a cat fight in front of crazy Judge Larry Seidlin over whether Stern murdered Smith! Holy smokes fans, the action just doesn't get any hotter than this. Now Smith's mother Virgie Arthur is vowing to appeal Seidlin's ruling all the way to the Florida Supreme Court!!! It's absolute bedlam here at ring side!!

O.J.- Fits nice, don't it? (giggles)

Frank- (moves his chair away slightly) In what might prove to be too weak a counter attack the James Brown's adult children and Hynie have grabbed some headlines by agreeing to the dead singer's final private resting place and allowing her to get her stuff from the mansion. Now special administrators for the estate have countered the Smith paternity debacle by requesting DNA testing on the corpse to determine if Hynie's son really is Brown's. Skankariffic!!! Could that and the two month delay in burial be enough to score winning with our judges? What do you think Juice?

O.J.- I'm outta here. The Goldmans might be tuning in and figure I'm getting paid. Besides, I want get a lap dance.

Frank- Brown and Smith seem to be neck and neck as the final bell approaches. It looks the judges may issue a tie decision. In that case, the winner will be determined by who actually hits their final resting spot first! We'll be back to the action after this message from our sponsors Entertainment Tonight and the Bahamian Travel Association.....

Sunday, February 25, 2007

YOU Write the Caption!

I found this image while surfing and thought we could have some fun. Please write your proposed caption in the comments. Here is the link to the actual story, but no peeking until you have added your own caption: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/25/nyregion/25rats.html?em&ex=1172552400&en=db303f5577dde6f3&ei=5087%0A

Friday, February 23, 2007

Much Ado About Nothing

I admit it.
I watched.
I got sucked into the media circus surrounding the disposition of Anna Nicole Smith's remains. And I'm ashamed for joining the millions who just couldn't look away from this freak show. Its almost as if this woman and her aura of dysfunction causes a gravitational pull dragging otherwise likely normal people into the abyss of slime and degradation that ruled her life.
Take Circuit Court Judge Larry Seidlin for example. This man has served on the bench for nearly 30 years ruling over the fate of families. His close friends have described him as a caring if garrulous judge who makes rulings from his heart and standard common sense. But what we have witnessed in his courtroom, carried live across television and the Internet, seems to be a that of a man seeking to make himself a pivotal part of an already disturbing and seedy story.
The question before the court was really so simple, "Who has the right to take the remains of Anna Nicole Smith for burial?" Once Seidlin wisely appointed a Guardian Ad Litem for Dannielynn, there should have only been two parties to the dispute- Anna Nicole's true next of kin- her daughter and her mother. Had the proceedings been kept to addressing just that question, there likely would have been a relatively short hearing and a quick decision to do just what will happen- bury Anna Nicole in the plot she purchased for herself in the Bahama's next to her son. It might have been an interesting legal question, but something more suited for a bland law review article than "must-see" t.v.
Instead the voyeuristic public was treated to a non-stop side show that made Anna Nicole's ill-advised and disturbing reality show somehow look tame and tasteful.
We now know far more about the characters in this saga than we probably know about most of our family members. It just shouldn't have been allowed to happen, but its probably what we should have expected from the courts that brought us the hanging chad and made our electoral system the laughing stock of the free-world.
And at the end of the travesty that was called a hearing, we were subjected to a sobbing judge telling the participants his role in the play had ended and the rest of the cast must continue without them. Seidlin did everything in his power to grasp control of this case from courts in the Bahamas and California. He wanted to keep it and continue to bask in the putrid limelight that it cast upon him. (Anyone want to start a pool on how long it will be before his book hits the store shelves or if he hires an agent to be able to portray himself in the movie or miniseries the Hollywood vultures are already planning?)
When the hearing was concluded the cast gathered outside for a press conference which looked far more like a curtain call. These people, who sought to destroy each other's characters for more than 6 days in a courtroom, stood side by side thanking "everyone for coming" and sharing a microphone as they took their final bows. It was disgusting and disturbing. They will take their freak show on an International tour beginning Monday with the court debate over paternity and custody of the poor Dannielynn.
The media played right along but gave us no substantive coverage. There are some things that would actually interest me if a reporter could pull themselves out of the primordial ooze that surrounds the exploitation, drug abuse and sexual acting out that were the hallmarks of Anna Nicole's life.
Here are things I would have liked to have known, but apparently weren't sensational enough for the media to find out and tell us:

  1. How much did this six days of hearing cost the fine taxpayers of the state of Florida?
  2. Will the parties involved be responsible for paying any of those fees?
  3. For that matter, how much have all the never-ending legal hearings on Anna Nicole's affairs cost the fine taxpayers in Texas, California, Florida and even the United States in general since her issues have made it to the US Supreme Court?
  4. Who is paying the attorney fees for Virgie Arthur, Larry Birkhead and Howard Stern? Lawyers do not come cheap and they are on the clock billing hours even if they happen to dream about a case while sleeping. The legal fees in the hearing over the disposition of the body must be staggering and I really want to know who is footing the bill, as none of the participants would likely have that kind of money.
  5. Court dockets are set weeks and even months in advance, so I would like to know who got bumped off Judge Larry's docket when the circus came to town. What were their issues? Given that he rules in a juvenile or probate court, how many other emergency cases with probably important and timely issues were kicked to the curb?
  6. How were attorneys from California, Texas and God knows where else, permitted to work in a Florida court? Usually lawyers must be admitted to the bar in a specific state to practice there. If those rules were not waived, is the hearing even legally binding?
  7. Will the Judiciary discipline committee and the state bar association in Florida be reviewing the proceedings for possible sanctions against Judge Larry? If not, why not?
  8. Does the Bahamas have a child abuse statute that provides protection for the fetus and if so, why hasn't Howard Stern been arrested yet after the airing of the "clown" video where he mocks a clearly stoned and very pregnant Anna Nicole Smith?
  9. If Anna Nicole was truly running a fever of 105 degrees or higher while staying in the hotel in Florida, why didn't Howard or any of her minders take her to the emergency room or call a physician for medical treatment? Since they didn't are they being investigated by the authorities for negligent homicide?
  10. How did Anna Nicole Smith enter the United States from the Bahamas with vials and bottles of drugs prescribed in someone else's name without those drugs being seized by custom's officials?
  11. How did Howard Stern pay for the boat after her death and why didn't he cancel the order? It was delivered to the Bahamas after she died. Who owns that boat?
There are many more things I wonder about, but that's my short list. I don't look for the coverage to end anytime soon nor do I expect answers to my ponderings. The drama's next acts will include :
  • Virgie Arthur's appeal of the Judge Larry's ruling
  • The funeral circus with all the sobbing D-listers and assorted hangers-on when they finally release the now decomposing body. (Do you think Judge Larry will attend?) Don't bother buying a plane ticket, since Howard already said if he is in charge, he will sell the video, but puts the funds in a trust for Dannielynn.
  • The Bahamian paternity hearings
  • The resumption of the case to gain the Marshall estate millions
  • And last, but God willing, the criminal cases against Howard Stern for his contribution to the deaths of Anna Nicole and her son Daniel.

Tune in again for another installment of How Anna's Estate Turns.

Saturday, February 3, 2007



We are just about 39 hours from kick off to Super Bowl 41 and my beloved boyz in blue are going to stomp Da Bears!! After years of disappointment and near misses, Indianapolis is really up for the Big Dance. Da Bears are going down!

If you need some help getting into the spirit, here are some fun links to try.

Colts Blue Sunday: http://www.bimedia.biz/bluesunday/

The Night Chicago Died: http://www.memories2canvas.com/audio/The%20Night%20Chicago%20Died.wma

Super Bowl Boogie: http://media.wibc.com/av/audio/superbowlboogie.mp3

Go Blue:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jswJrNNWJfY

Here are some other fun links on Indystar.com:


GO COLTS!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Watch ESPN2 Thursday at 7 p.m.!!!

Big doings in our small city. Not only are the Colts getting ready for the Super Bowl, but our local high school will be featured in the Old Spice High School ESPN2 basketball game Thursday.

The North Central Panthers will be taking on Chicago Loyola Academy on national television. Rumor has it that Michael Jordan will be at the game because his son is playing for Loyola.

In honor of this huge and historic event, I get to haul my ass out at 6:30 a.m. to drive in the arctic air to drive my son and his friends to school to perform in the pep band at a 7 a.m. rally.

So if you do watch the game, look for the long-haired kid in the band with the black ski hat on and the shiny new trumpet. That one would be mine!

Monday, January 29, 2007

And now for something completely different...

Perhaps this is too intimate a glimpse at my twisted sense of humor... but I think I hurt something laughing when I read this.


I can't even imagine what this guy's poor parents must have thought when they got this call from the principal's office.