(Warning- this is fairly tasteless, but that's how I'm feeling tonight. Read on at your own risk!)
Frank Gifford: Good evening sports fans. We have a hot match for your viewing pleasure tonight here on Celebrity Death Match.
O.J. Simpson: That's right Frank. Tonight we will be watching to underworld titans duke it out in a winner takes-none grudge match. These all-star stiffs are so far gone, they make our careers look lively. (chuckle)
Frank: Right you are O.J.! Let's turn it over now to our ring-side announcer to introduce tonight's contestants.
Ring-side Announcer: In this corner we have The Godfather of Soul himself, James Brown! Brown died more than two months ago and weighs in, counting his gold casket at just over one ton. And in this corner we have the rapidly decomposing corpse of former Playboy Playmate and publicity whore Anna Nicole Smith. Smith's weight is currently under review by attorney's from Trim Spa, so we aren't at liberty to discuss it.
Frank: Now the rules for the match are simple: points are given for several key moves including ridiculous litigation, family feuding, high drama, skank quotient and ultimately, how long it takes to get the corpse into its final resting place.
Ring-side announcer- Let's get ready to RRRRRRRUMMMMMBLE!!!!!!!!!
O.J.-The Godfather of Soul is first in the box, but that only seems fair since he died six weeks earlier than Anna Nicole.
Frank- Oooooo, and now we have a high drama move with trustees for the estate and Brown's assorted legitimate and illegitimate adult children, locking his alleged bigamist wife Tomi Raye Hynie and 5 year-old son out of the mansion. What counter move can we expect from Anna Nicole's side, Juice?
O.J.- Huh? I don't feel like talking anymore. And I don't have to cuz I get paid just the same.
Frank- What?? (Looks at O.J. confused) Oh, Anna Nicole's side has countered with a heavy duty skank move... at least four men are claiming to have fathered her five month old child. Now the wife of the Trim Spa CEO and absurd female wrestler Chyna Doll are fighting out who was really Anna Nicole's BFF on Larry King Live!
O.J.- (practices golf swing)
Frank- Ummmmm, looks like I'm in this alone. Okay- Brown's "widow" Hynie counters with her own high skank move- in her own interview on Larry King Live where she cries and claims the family is cutting her out of the inheritance she rightly deserves. Now she instigates litigation. Its a triple whammy as the family now files against the trustees of the estate.
O.J.- (puts on a glove)
Frank- (Gasps) Is that THE glove?? Never mind, back to the action- Anna Nicole's side counters with five separate legal actions all at once!!! I've never seen anything like it. And Howard K. Stern has just accepted $1 million for a crocodile tear-laced exclusive interview and a ride on a private jet back to the Bahamas. But wait, now Stern's attorney and alleged father Larry Birkhead's attorney have started a cat fight in front of crazy Judge Larry Seidlin over whether Stern murdered Smith! Holy smokes fans, the action just doesn't get any hotter than this. Now Smith's mother Virgie Arthur is vowing to appeal Seidlin's ruling all the way to the Florida Supreme Court!!! It's absolute bedlam here at ring side!!
O.J.- Fits nice, don't it? (giggles)
Frank- (moves his chair away slightly) In what might prove to be too weak a counter attack the James Brown's adult children and Hynie have grabbed some headlines by agreeing to the dead singer's final private resting place and allowing her to get her stuff from the mansion. Now special administrators for the estate have countered the Smith paternity debacle by requesting DNA testing on the corpse to determine if Hynie's son really is Brown's. Skankariffic!!! Could that and the two month delay in burial be enough to score winning with our judges? What do you think Juice?
O.J.- I'm outta here. The Goldmans might be tuning in and figure I'm getting paid. Besides, I want get a lap dance.
Frank- Brown and Smith seem to be neck and neck as the final bell approaches. It looks the judges may issue a tie decision. In that case, the winner will be determined by who actually hits their final resting spot first! We'll be back to the action after this message from our sponsors Entertainment Tonight and the Bahamian Travel Association.....